sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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