3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
