I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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