Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I faked an abortion last night.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
