This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
