I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
