So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
