Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
