everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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