i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
