I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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