I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
