Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
did i walk over a car last night?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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