You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm really busy with my period
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