I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
