got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
