conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
