Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I have aggressive nipples.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
