I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
