I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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