Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
