I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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