she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
