you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
