I wish they made helmets for livers.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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