She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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