I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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