Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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