Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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