I puked a lego.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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