don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
