I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
