are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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