Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
