I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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