I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
