My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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