i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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