So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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