hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
