And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dignity is for republicans.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
