evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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