She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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