She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
