I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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