My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just google imaged poop.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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