omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
