Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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