It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
