Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
