mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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