I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize