Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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