My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
