i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
