I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize