someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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