I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
