i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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