Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
