she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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