I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
