It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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